Dating Advice For Black Women

11 Apr

By Victoria Uwumarogie

You’re a 36 year old woman… attractive… educated… health conscious… slender… good career and single.  Your friends are all paired off to good men, and you’re eagerly waiting for your Mr Right.  It hasn’t happened for you yet, so you decide to pay for a dating website.

You hire a stylist, put up some great photos and a witty narrative, sit back and wait for suitors to ask you out.  Nothing.  You try a different website.  Same results.  You decide to be proactive and message men in your league.  Many don’t reply, and the few who do flake out on you when it’s time to arrange a date.

So you join Plenty Of Fish, and now you’re getting messages.  But the messages come from old geezers,   weirdos, illiterates, dreamers and the sick and just plain creepy.  What’s a girl to do?!?  After filtering out the unacceptable messages, there’s no one to reply to.

Then you decide to stop being so stuck up and judgemental and answer a few of the better ones.  You do this, and bingo!  You get dates!

So let’s see… you date a man who posted younger pictures but turns out to be much older than stated on his profile, another one who said he was a non-smoker but ends up blowing cigarette smoke while you’re recovering from a chest infection, and a janitor who has ambitions for a career in music but has no skills, experience or talent, but will finance his dreams with a loan from Fat Tony and Guido.

What’s wrong with your ability to vet men?!?

Nothing.  You knew they were wrong for you, yet you dated them anyway.

Your problem is your self-perception in the marketplace.  Yes, you are under 40, yes you are slender, yes you are attractive, yes you have everything your married friends have and more.

But you’re black.

Before you call me a white supremacist, look at this research from OK Cupid:

Men don’t write black women back. Or rather, they write them back far less often than they should. Black women reply the most, yet get by far the fewest replies. Essentially every race—including other blacks—singles them out for the cold shoulder.

In short: white men don’t want you, asian men don’t want you.  Even quality black men don’t want you.

So what’s this all about?

A few days ago, I gave some very sage advice to a black lady who was facing the above problems in the dating marketplace.

In short, I advised her to stick with the janitor and since she wasn’t satisfied with where he was in life, use her knowledge and resources to give him a “leg up” in the world.

The backlash I received for my altruism was hypocritical, to say the least.

While everyone else was admonishing her for dating these fellows, or making personal attacks on the woman’s character, I merely stated that although she possessed qualities any man would want (if he wanted a 36 year old woman), in the dating marketplace for quality men, all of these qualities were worthless because to the men she wanted she was black.

It’s not her fault she’s black and therefore undesirable.  But many commenters, including Moxie who originally gave her some compassionate advice, made so many personal attacks, blaming the lady for her lack of satisfaction in her results.

Some particularly salient comments included:

You can belittle these men all you like. Doesn’t change the fact that you picked them…  You’re trying to demonstrate how you’re soooo flexible and not at all picky, but the fact is, you are too picky because you’re telling yourself you can do better when you probably can’t. If you’re not getting any dates, then you obviously aren’t measuring up to the other women on these sites…  Just concentrate on not sounding like someone who is impossible to please.

what she should consider is that she actually wants a man like this because they make her feel better abouut herself. I don’t say that to be cutting. I genuinely think she is attracted to men like this because they’re such messes she feels more together and in control.

All of the above are from Moxie, who originally called the men she dated “a parade of losers” and the site they came from “an absolute waste of time and draws the dregs of humanity”.  So which is it Moxie?  Are the men losers or are they at her level and she’s actually belittling them?

Why would a professional black woman who seems to have everything end up with a janitor ?  By no fault of her own, she’s living in a society where her physical beauty is undervalued, and her prospects as a good wife and mother are viewed with suspicion by both black and white men.

The same could be said for a man who is under 5’5″.   Because of his height he will always be invisible to desirable women, regardless of his great personality and achievements.

I wanted to make an additional comment, especially in relation to Moxie’s hypocritical plea:

Is this real life???

Her value in society is shown????

Stop. Just stop. Between this and the comments last week one gguy wrote suggesting that the man whose gf cheated on him “kill her and make it look like an accident” I’m completely wiped out. Just stop.

It’s hypocritical because she continued to make personal attacks on the black lady AFTER she posted her Rodney King can’t we all get along-esque comment.

Instead of posting on Moxie’s website and having my words buried under a low comment rating, I will copy and paste my third comment here:

Like you, I’m giving the lady advice.  Moxie, if you had any genuine objections to what I am posting, you would not have approved my comments.  I merely expand on what you and other commenters have said before me.

The only difference is that I have gotten to the root of the issue the OP is facing, rather than making personal attacks like you have.

All things bring equal, an attractive, slender, well-spoken lady would receive numerous messages from quality suitors.  The reality of society is that a black woman does not have the desirability of a white or Asian.

Don’t blame me or Ok Cupid, blame society.

Instead of using politically correct subterfuge and blaming the OP for factors being impossible to please, or choosing bad dates to feel better about herself, I am informing the dear lady that she is not at fault.  Factors beyond her control (her race and the society she lives in) are putting her at a disadvantage.

In this society she is undesirable and of little value to a middle class man of any race looking for a wife and the mother of his children.   If she were to go back to Africa she would attract land owners, diplomats, doctors and other types that would satisfy her hypergamos desires.  Alas she is not in Africa so must adjust her expectations.

There is a harsh reality in the marketplace that I did not create.  I only report on it without blaming the OP.  Your comments are more hateful and personally offensive to the OP than mine.  Do not pretend otherwise to hide the fact that you agree with me and at some level you are angry with her not realising her lack of worth in the marketplace.

Besides, we are here to help the OP, not criticize me!

At some point, I will give more practical advice to black women who do not want to end up dating janitor, playa or other undesirable types.  This may take some time, as it’s difficult but not completely impossible.